yikes!

for those of you who have known me for years, the next few things i'm about to come out with may seem a bit unlike me..

i am a worrier.

i guess this is what the transition to adulthood does to you. in all seriousness though, never have i had so much to worry about in all my life. i suddenly have this crazy-ass schedule with an equally crazy-assed amount of work, money worries, what happens after my degree worries, emma's wee problems worries.. and the mad thing is..i'm not even worrying about the moment i'm in right now.. i'm worried about what is going to come. what hasn't yet come. the 'f' word...ohhh dare i say it?!

the future.

yep. it's true. miss so-laid-back-she's-horizontal has now become vertical. and do i like being vertical? not one single bit. of course, with adulthood comes responsibility - but should we worry about it? is worrying even biblical?

we all worry. it just seems to be something that is present within the DNA of mankind. and it sucks, because it can pull us into a big black hole. worry is one of those things that's easy to get into, but so flippin' hard to escape from.. and it's so strange. i'm worrying about things that haven't even come yet, things that are years away and things that may never even happen. it sounds so stupid, doesn't it? worrying about things that might never happen. i just made myself laugh there!

yes, it's ridiculous. but laughing it off won't get us anywhere. how do we really truly escape from worry? at the most fundamental level, i believe it's about trusting God. not just saying "i've got to let go and let God" (spot the christian cliche!) but believing it, knowing it - not just in my head, but in my heart. it's so so much harder than that, i know. but have a think about this - are we limiting God's power with our worrying? by worrying about something, i'm holding onto the situation, i'm trying to exercise control over the situation. yeah, i might pray and ask God to help me - but i know that deep down inside, i'm saying "well you can just give me a shove in the right direction God and i'll take care of the rest." can i really do it in my own strength? nope. no flippin' way. i need someone greater than myself to take control. me taking control isn't good. i need the mercy and grace of God to come wash me clean of my sin every day. can a feeble, messed up sinner really know what is best in a situation?

i'm not going to say any more. i'm not going to tell you what you should do or whatever. i think you know what is best. it's now up to you to go and make those heart-changes. it's tough and it requires a lot of strength (especially if you're a bit of a self-confessed control freak) but you'll have freedom!! praise God that freedom such as this is freely available for us :) praise God that He is bigger than anything we've ever imagined - yet He is interested in us and is WILLING to take care of us - no matter how small the problem may be :)

a fresh revelation.

so, i've decided i'm not gonna hide anymore. i'm going to try to be as honest as i can in this post...if any of it offends you, i'm sorry. it is not meant to be offensive or harsh. sometimes things smack you right in the face and there is no other way to express your feelings than to be a little more hard than you would usually be. i'm also sorry if you are surprised at things i might say. i'll say this now. i'm only human, you're only human. we're all only human. therefore, we are all (very) prone to making mistakes. so i ask you - before you judge me, stop to ponder those things that Jesus said about the first person to throw stones and the plank in one's eye...

basically, over the past 6 or so months i've been going to church, going to all these christian things, listening to worship music...talking the talk as they say. but inside, i've been struggling like you don't know what. i haven't been living for God. i've been living for me. and can i tell you something? these 6 months have probably been the most miserable of my life. i've tried to get back on track, i've tried to pray and KNOW that someone has been listening..yet i've still felt like i'm talking to nothing. i've tried to read my bible and learn from it so that i can go out and put what i read into practice in my everyday living...yet i still dive into the scriptures with my philosophical + theological glasses on, analysing everything from an academic point of view, rather than reading it simply because it is the pure Word of God. i've tried to get up sunday by sunday and worship at the front of my church in the band...but i just couldn't. how could i lead other people in worship when my heart isn't in it at all? basically, i've been breaking the 2nd commandment (the one about worshiping idols) over and over and over again, without giving it a second thought. the only thing on my mind has been me, me, ME. i'm ashamed if it, and i'm so cross that i wasted so many months which could have been spent with my Jesus.

today, something pretty major happened in the life of one of my mates..something which will affect her forever. i haven't stopped thinking about it and through all her suffering, God has revealed things to me which i never thought i'd be able to grasp. i've decided to write this blog in the hope of sharing some of those things with you and hoping that you will be changed by them just like i have been. they are simple truths, but ones which i feel people really really need to get a hold of. these things have the potential to change lives, to restore hope and to heal the hurting. so don't write them off. read it, take it in, pray over it, allow God into the depths of your soul and let Him do His work in you.

often in those facebook quiz things, a common question is "what would you do if it was your last day on earth?" when i get asked that question, i'm always stumped. of course we like to say "i'd spend it with my friends and family" or something along those lines, but what would you do if it was ACTUALLY going to be your last day on earth? oh and whilst you're thinking about that...how can you be certain that today isn't your last day on earth?

because you're young and healthy?

because you still have so much more to do in life?

because people rely on you and you have to be here to look after them?

nonsense. you don't know when you might go.

that's the reality of it all. today could be your last day. no, no, no. rewind. read it again and really take it in this time.

today could be your last day.

so would you live your last day getting up in the morning all grouchy and shouting at your parents because you stayed up too late last night and are wrecked? would you live your last day gossiping about "weirdos" you know? would you live your last day lying on your ass watching TV and eating junk food? would you keep going to a mirror worrying about your appearance and re-applying makeup? would you watch porn? would you swear? would you drink? would you make fun of people?

i don't think so.

so if today might be your last day...why are you wasting your time doing all that stuff?

do you not want to live out your God given potential? do you not want to MAKE A DIFFERENCE in the world instead of just 'fitting in'?

in the grand scheme of things, all the stuff we are convinced that we need are just bits of dust. it says in the bible that grass dries up and flowers wither away but that God goes on forever. so when you think of that phrase...does money matter? in essence, money is just a bit of paper. will it be coming with you when you get judged by God? nope. worried about getting the approval of others? in the long run, will their opinions of you really affect the way that God sees you? nope. no way. appearance doesn't matter, traditions don't matter, intelligence doesn't matter, fame doesn't matter, power doesn't matter.

what matters is...are you doing what Jesus wants you to do? are you living out His word? are you loving and caring and praying for others and using your gifts and giving generously? and if you aren't a christian...are you saved? do you know Jesus can forgive you for all that stuff you did and give you REAL freedom from all that crap you're really struggling to deal with right now? give it to Him, let Him take it. He will hold you in His arms and never let you go. He will love you with a love like you have NEVER experienced before. He will make you whole again.

GOD, CHANGE US into people who don't have any sort of desire to be comfortable or to fit in! EMPOWER US to say no when we have to.

EMPOWER us to say yes to You and Your will - even when it is the hardest option.

give us the wisdom to realise that we could be living in our last moments at any moment.

AMEN.

to whom it may concern

sometimes God comfuses me. in fact, a lot of the time He confuses me.

He has given dreams and hopes and words for that place...why is none of it happening? why do we seem to be stuck in a dead end? we are seriously going round in circles. we have been warned too many times that we need to get down on our knees and pray seriously - with passion and vigour and heart and soul and mind and strength. how can we expect to do that when we can barely pray for 15 minutes at the start of every service?

why do we not invite the Holy Spirit in? of course, we SAY we want the Holy Spirit in...we even pray it. but then we gossip and whisper and say bad things and make cruel jokes and comment on what "she's" wearing. does the Holy Spirit really want to come into a place like that? i think not. do mere human beings even want to come into a place like that? i think not.

of course, we don't drink, we don't smoke, we don't steal, we haven't had pre-marital sex, we aren't murderers, we don't do drugs, we don't even swear...but when it comes down to it, we are stained with as much sin as anybody lying in a cold prison cell.

Jesus isn't proud of the way i act sometimes. Jesus isn't proud of what i say and what i think sometimes. but He IS proud when we draw on His strength to help us to make those changes.

maybe the key is to start dealing with ourselves, our OWN sin before we start working with God to turn an entire church around. maybe, just maybe, we need to get on our knees and repent of our own sin and be forgiven and washed clean and ready to aim to be true disciples of Jesus Christ rather than living double lives. we cannot say one thing and then do another - what kind of witness is that?

it's not just about the speaking. words can mean very little these days.

i want to see these dreams being fulfilled. i simply cannot stand by and watch that place turn into a furniture shop. it would break my heart...it would break God's heart.

so please, God is asking you to get on your knees. whatever rubbish you have that needs sorted out, pray to Him and He will help you. He is proud of you for going for it :D

A message from God.

God spoke to me today.

i don't mean one of those times where you think "ooohhh, is this God or is it just me?" i actually KNEW it was God. It was almost audible.

He told me this:

"I AM PROUD OF YOU."

can you believe that?

despite everything i have done, everything i am doing, everything i will do; God says that He is proud of me. that totally blows my mind. i just can't comprehend it.

so here's my message today - whatever you are going through - whether you're hurting, or helping a mate through tough times, or finding your walk hard, or battling against temptation - keep on going!

GOD IS SO PROUD OF YOU.

just took a quick wee online test. these are my top 27 religions! 

1.	Orthodox Quaker (100%)
2.	Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants (80%)
3.	Mainline to Conservative Christian/Protestant (78%)
4.	Seventh Day Adventist (67%)
5.	Eastern Orthodox (66%)
6.	Roman Catholic (66%)
7.	Liberal Quakers (65%)
8.	Unitarian Universalism (54%)
9.	Islam (52%)
10.	Orthodox Judaism (52%)
11.	Hinduism (51%)
12.	Baha'i Faith (49%)
13.	Mahayana Buddhism (49%)
14.	Theravada Buddhism (49%)
15.	Jainism (45%)
16.	Reform Judaism (45%)
17.	Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons) (43%)
18.	Sikhism (38%)
19.	Christian Science (Church of Christ, Scientist) (38%)
20.	Jehovah's Witness (38%)
21.	New Age (37%)
22.	Neo-Pagan (37%)
23.	Secular Humanism (34%)
24.	Taoism (33%)
25.	New Thought (33%)
26.	Scientology (32%)
27.	Nontheist (25%) haha just thought it was interesting :P

the S word

i am becoming increasingly aware of the fact that there are indecent images all around us.

every movie i see, almost every website i go on, lyrics of songs, even everyday conversation i have overheard. its all about sex. whats that about?!

so i was on bebo and yano the way you can get those wee application thingys? well on ppls pages there are "the sexiest babes" and such like things. i actually stopped and looked at one of the 'babes' today and oh my goodness. yano, its no wonder girls are so self conscious about themselves. normal girls dont look anything like those 'babes'...im afraid that some guys who see those images will have high expectations of girls, im afraid that girls will hate the way they look because their bodies just dont match up and im really afraid about the exposure that sex gets in our everyday lives. 

yano, the government goes on about teenage pregnancies and they frequently discuss the matter of abortion. "teens are bored, thats why young girls get pregnant. oh i know! lets come up with something to keep them occupied!"..."teens get pregnant because they dont know enough about contraception. lets send people into the schools to tell them how to have sex properly!" yano what? i think if the government took a closer look at the media they would get some answers as to why these things happen. we don't realise it, but the stuff we see and listen to and watch has a real impact on what we think and do. it makes us curious, it makes our minds wander, it might even turn us on a little bit. and yano what, that sucks. 

i hate living in a society where sex is in everything. i think it is an absolute disgrace that people can look at that stuff on bebo - little kids use bebo! i think it is a disgrace that certain music videos are shown in the daytime with everybody watching when there are girls and guys making out and wearing very little clothing. the movie certificate system is a joke. some of the scenes in 12 rated movies should only be allowed to be seen by 18 year olds. my list goes on...

i know this will be quite a controversial post - but it frustrates me that this is all going on and the people who we vote into positions of power in the government seem to be doing very little about it. 

post your thoughts..let me know what you think.

yano what..

i am so happy. happyhappyhappy

ive got my family and friends..

ive got meganface who loves to talk to me about silly things and about God things and we're going on holiday together on friday and i'm just so excited :) time to get away from everything and just relax. im gona forget about my exams and coursework and everything i have to do for that week and just lie in the sun...hopefully getting a tan :)

the easter holidays are fast approaching and although i have a load of coursework to do when i get back from my wee holiday with meganface, im still gonna enjoy myself as much as possible. time off school to do nothing is the best time ever and im gonna use it the best i can :)

ahh okay thats my happy rant over lol, it was fun :) 

a prayer rooted in frustration

i'm sick of a christianity that requires some form of coolness

i'm sick of a christianity that changes itself to fit in with society

i'm sick of a christianity that has little cliques and best friends and favourites

i'm sick of a christianity that does everything for itself and nothing for others

i'm sick of a christianity that won't let anybody else in.

God, change us.

Move us away from our mediocre pharisee tendencies and towards

pure

holy

clear

love.

make us the biggest freaks on the planet. 

don't ever let us comfortably fit in.

give us a love that longs for equality.

let us never think of ourselves. 

let us put the needs of others before ourselves - minus the bitterness.

let us be the ones that see the gates of heaven open wide - that ALL may go in.

a book review of sorts..

today has been an interesting day.

my mum got a book a few weeks ago called "The Shack" (ever heard of it?) by a guy called W.P. Young and i decided i'd start reading it. i struggled with the first few pages, i just couldn't be bothered. i wanted to put it down and switch on this morning instead (lol). but i slowly found myself getting drawn into the story, getting interested by the characters and intrigued by the unusual plot unfolding before me. after a while i was hooked. i haven't totally finished the book yet, but it was so incredibly deep. i know we have the Bible yes, and thats one of the ways get to know God. it is after all HIS very word, spoken from His very lips. but this book, it has given me a new perspective on things. i can't really describe it to you but the ideas put forward in it really spoke to me. 

sometimes its hard to develop a 'personal' relationship with a God who is so complex - i mean, there's the whole trinity idea, 3 in 1, sometimes i can't get my head around that. then there's the fact that Jesus lives in us - Jesus lives in us? but how? then there's the crucifixion, the resurrection, the big evil and suffering debate, and countless other things that day in and day out just fry my brain. How are we even meant to have a personal relationship with a God who we cannot physically see or touch or hear or even smell? we rely on so much empirical evidence, yet when it comes to belief in God, many people seem to just say "yeah i get it, i understand this faith". 

well sometimes i don't. 

in fact, a lot of the time i don't get it. 

The shack presents the Father, Son and Holy Spirit as people (on second thoughts, even though it is a contradiction, "supernatural people" may serve as a better description of how Young presents God) who i can relate to. For example, the character of Jesus in His book has opened my eyes. The Bible presents Jesus as a friend, yes. But sometimes the stories of Him walking on water and raising the dead scare us a little. to be honest, i'm a tiny wee bit scared about meeting Jesus. its so hard to relate to him sometimes. Jesus was fully human, yes. But He was also fully God. its this that makes it so hard for me sometimes to relate to Him. 

Take for example the whole thought thing. Jesus said that if you even think about a member of the opposite sex in a lustful way you might as well have gone over to them and had sex. in other words, in the new covenant, even thinking about sinning was just as bad as actually getting up and committing the sin. i dont know about you, but i think about sinning on a daily basis. sometimes i wonder - how did Jesus not think about sinning? it seems totally impossible to me. but then again, maybe us thinking about the sinning is just temptation, and we all know that Jesus was tempted....

...hmmm....sorry im going off on a bit of a tangent there! okay ill get back to the shack (haha that rhymes). 

it presents Jesus as an ordinary guy - he looks like your average man, not like a supermodel or anything lol, he speaks in a way that can be easily understood, he finds joy just sitting and stargazing with the main character of the book, Mack. the best thing about it though is the way Jesus loves. He just sits with Mack and has conversations with him. they laugh together and listen to each other and cry together. sometimes when we read in the Bible of Jesus interacting with the disciples, we can forget that they were just ordinary people too. it was refreshing to read of Jesus interacting with another human being who wasn't a disciple...the book presents Mack's shortcomings, his failings, his story, his hurts, his doubts, where he went wrong in life; and then it shows Jesus hugging him, asking him questions, just enjoying being with him. THATS what a personal relationship with Jesus should be like. THATS the kind of relationship i want with my Saviour. i think sometimes its easy to distance ourselves from God, in fact i think we've become so accustomed to it that it has shaped the way our faith is. 

tell me this, do you love God? "of course i do!" i hear you say...

but do you REALLY love God?

with love, comes trust. if we truly love God, we should trust him - not just with the little things like the test we haven't really revised for, or for the dentist appointment we are dreading. we should trust Him in the big things too. if we trust God with our lives, He will take control, and all the decisions He makes will be for good. they may not seem like good at the time, but we can't see the bigger picture. as it says in the shack... "Who wants to worship a God who can be fully comprehended, eh? Not much mystery in that".

i know ive gone on about this book alot, but let me tell you, nothing on this earth (especially a book!) can compare with the fullness and the wisdom and the joy i get from knowing Jesus. im going to pursue this personal relationship with Him and see where trusting Him takes me. im guessing it wont be easy, but im willing to take the risk. it is going to be oh so worth it.

to megan

last night at work, a certain best friend of mine told me to write a blog. so i thought i would.

things have been incredibly busy lately. i dont really know whether thats a good thing or a bad thing. its good having so much to do but sometimes it all gets a bit too much which is annoying. 

church is changing...in the next few months things wont be easy, its gona be weird having a new minister and having some people leave, but God is in it all. He has it all in His hands. weird thing is though, that despite all these changes and all the bad stuff thats happened/happening, i reckon God is at work in that place more than ever. there was alot of hype last year about what was gonna happen last year, but maybe God didnt want the hype. maybe he was waiting for us to come with raw hearts, broken and tired before He could do what He really wanted to do. i feel like alot of people are growing in the faith and i feel like there are some people who are just on the brink of coming to Christ. theres a certain triumphant feeling in my church right now. i dont quite know what it is, but i do know that even though some people think we have lost the battle, its still going on, and there are still people fighting with Christ in their hearts and Christ by their sides. yano what? we're winning. 

every single day is a battle against evil. evil comes at you from every side, evil comes at me from every side. i try to fight evil myself and i lose. ha, i wonder why?! we always forget the immense power that our awesome God has. more than that though, we always forget that we can use that power. God is always there to rescue us from the crap that makes us stumble and fall.

i found these verses the other day, and i think they will strike a chord with everyone who reads this. they struck a chord with me, i can so identify with these words!

Romans 7:14-25 (the message): 

"Yes. I'm full of myself—after all, I've spent a long time in sin's prison. What I don't understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise. So if I can't be trusted to figure out what is best for myself and then do it, it becomes obvious that God's command is necessary.

 17-20But I need something more! For if I know the law but still can't keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize that I don't have what it takes. I can will it, but I can't do it. I decide to do good, but I don't really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don't result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time.
 21-23It happens so regularly that it's predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God's commands, but it's pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge.
 24I've tried everything and nothing helps. I'm at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn't that the real question?
 25The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God with all my heart and mind, but am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different."

Christ can save us from making bad decisions. He has the power! im gona try and just leave everything in His hands. when i fight by myself i dont have the power or the strength to pull myself through. 
God take me. when i dont have the power to resist sin, whisper in my ear, tell me i can do it. give me the strength and the willpower to walk away from whatever is about to pull me in. Holy Spirit, guide me, Jesus forgive me, Father love me. empower me to make the right decisions. in Your name i pray, amen.